When we talk about Third Culture Kids (TCKs), we often overlook the challenges they face in embarking on a journey they had little or no control over. Having spent many years living abroad and supporting TCKs in my role as a School Counsellor and Play Therapist, I have become very familiar with the impact this lifestyle can have on young people.
Change is something that’s here to stay whether your family is moving to a new country, planning a return to your home country, or dealing with a sudden relocation with minimal notice. As adults, we might be able to process and manage these complexities, but for children and young people, making sense of it all can be incredibly difficult. My hope is that this article will support you and offer some practical tools you can use to help your children through these transitions.
There is a wealth of information out there on how to talk with children about what’s happening, how to prepare them, and how to help them make sense of the changes. These are all vital approaches. However, in this article, I would like to focus on what happens inside a child’s body when change occurs. For many children, emotions can feel confusing and overwhelming. Feelings are abstract, and they are still learning how to understand them.
Research has shown how the body experiences stress and how emotions are felt as physical sensations. This can be a powerful way to help children connect with their feelings. When I explain this to children, I use simple examples: feeling excited might make you want to jump or dance, feeling nervous can feel like butterflies in your tummy, and being scared might make your heart beat faster. These are tangible, relatable experiences that help children make sense of their inner world.
From there, we explore how the central nervous system works. I explain it like this (and you’re welcome to use this explanation too):
“The brain is the boss, it makes decisions. The spinal cord is the messenger that sends those decisions to the rest of your body. Your body also has an ‘automatic response team’ called the autonomic nervous system. It has two parts: the sympathetic nervous system, which is like the gas pedal as it helps you run, fight, or react when you are in danger (that’s called ‘fight or flight’). Then there’s the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the brake as it helps you relax, digest food, and feel safe (that’s called ‘rest and digest’). These two systems work together to keep your body balanced.”
Looking at your child’s TCK experience through this lens can often explain behaviours that might otherwise seem puzzling. Behaviour is communication. When we understand what’s going on underneath the behaviour, we can respond with more empathy and more effective support. Helping children communicate how they are feeling is so important. For TCK’s who often feel misunderstood it is crucial that they know their parents understand them. For children and young people we can use sentence starters like “I wonder….”, “I am curious ….” and “help me understand …” as these open the door for connection. For younger children a helpful activity is drawing an outline of their body and inviting them to colour where they feel certain emotions. Another tool I often use is Dr. Daniel Siegel’s Hand Model of the Brain. Teaching children that “flipping their lid” means their thinking brain is offline helps them understand what’s happening inside them. It also gives parents a simple visual to use in the moment especially if you have already discussed and agreed on calming strategies together.
One of the most challenging parts of the TCK experience (especially when support is limited) is “moving back”. Whether it’s a planned return or a sudden one, many families assume this transition will be easier because it’s familiar territory. However, for TCKs, going “home” can be the most disorienting experience of all.
Unlike moving to a new country, which often comes with excitement and novelty (even amid goodbyes), returning “home” brings a different kind of loss. They may no longer feel they belong, and it’s rare to find peers who truly understand their international background. While abroad, children often identify as expats or feel connected through their unique experience. Upon returning, that identity often disappears, and with it, a sense of belonging. Even if children understand the change logically, their bodies may still feel unsettled and unsafe. That’s why supporting their nervous system and stress response is so important.
Here are a few strategies that can really help:
- Keep a consistent routine as it brings a sense of safety.
- Encourage regular physical activity because it helps release stress.
- Surround them with familiar objects which offer comfort and connection.
- Talk about their experiences with curiosity and compassion, even if the whole family is going through the same move, your child’s personal experience is uniquely theirs.
- Model your own emotional responses and show them that it is okay to have feelings and how to cope with them.
- Seek professional support if needed because it can provide a neutral, safe space to help children process complex emotions, especially if they’re struggling to express them at home out of fear of upsetting parents.
- Help them stay connected to people and places they have left behind because contrary to the myth, staying in touch can actually ease the transition, especially early on.
I hope you found this short article useful. I encourage you to plan for change, talk about feelings, and discover what helps your child when they feel overwhelmed or “flip their lid.” Normalising emotions is key. Feelings come and go - they don’t define your child. I often hear children say, “What’s wrong with me?” as they are confused by how they are feeling. Helping them understand that there is nothing wrong, and showing them how to express and manage their emotions, can be a powerful part of the healing process.
There is a delicate balance for us as parents between reassuring children that everything will be okay and letting them see that they also have feelings about change. You don’t need to put on a brave face all the time. In fact, showing vulnerability helps children know they are not alone.
I hope this article supports you in navigating the TCK journey wherever you are in the world. If you would like to learn more about Child Therapy International, who I am or how I support families and organisations, please feel free to visit my website or send me an email at sarah@childtherapyinternational.com
I have developed a membership package for organisations and schools that provides ongoing access to consultancy, therapeutic support for children, and staff training. This approach is designed to be sustainable, recognising that families in the field may not always have the resources to access therapy individually. The membership ensures that teams receive timely, affordable support when they need it. Here is a Link for more information and to sign-up to learn more about the various packages I provide.
